my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
