The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
