i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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