my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
