first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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