The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
