Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
