You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize