So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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