i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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