You're my little dorito
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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