you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
