I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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