Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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