Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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