i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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