He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
