after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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