The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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