Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
