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Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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