im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
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You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream