I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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