I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
