I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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