If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
