I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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