I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
