Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
