peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
