I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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