We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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