the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
