I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
