I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
