So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
