dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
