May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife