dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?