hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
