apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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