Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
