Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
