you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
