I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
