Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
