just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
