Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
