Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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