I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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