Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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