Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
