And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
