Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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