she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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