Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
be right there i have to get my cape
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
