im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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