got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
