Your mouth is God's brothel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
