If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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