bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
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