My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
