i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
