There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
