I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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