I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
