can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
